Saturday, December 4, 2010


I'm not talking about my girlfriend Kat.
I'm talking ACTUAL CAT.
Now, I was already a cat person to begin with. I mean, think about it. What's another word for a cat? A pussy. Who hates pussy? People don't care for it, but no one HATES it.
Whats another connotation for a dog? A man that is an asshole by profession. In all senses of the word. Sure, puppy is a nice word. But in the end, all puppies die. I mean, they eventually become dogs then die. Unless they reach an early death..silly me. At what age do they go from being puppies to being dogs? Is there a species name transformation birthday we, as a nation, should be celebrating?
Anyway, cats are obviously the bomb.
But I've never seen a cat like this one.
Benjamin has two different colored eyes. Now my problem with women is that I always eventually get tired into staring into the same colored eyes all the time. This would change EVERYTHING.
Benjamin, if you are ever sick, I'll give you a cat-scan.
If you're ever cold, I'll give you mittens.
You and your mousetache is just purrrfect. I'm feline great just thinking about you.
I would never make you feel(th)is ca(c)tis.(scientific name for domestic cat.)
You had me at meow.
But if we don't talk, i'll go cat-atonic.
OH rats, I feel like a loser, but if I remove this post, you'll have nothing to scratch yourself on.

The wizarding world isn't what it's CRACKed up to be.

I realized something today when thinking about roofes.Why was I thinking about roofies? Probably because I was afraid that the wench in the last post tried to betrothe me. Anyway, In Harry potter, Ginny completely forgot what happened the day before when Voldemort "confuzled" her. He obviously slipped roofies in her drink. I swear, the magical world of Harry Potter is
over hyped. You heard me Jk Rowling, I'm jking and rowling around right now just thinking about you apprantly fictional world. It's not fictional, we live in it. No, I'm not crazy. Just think about it for two seconds non exsistant readers! Two seconds! If you think about it even harder, the muggle world is better.
Lets start with the spells. We can do everything any spell could do.
Lumos: flashlight
Avada Kadavra: gun
I mean, seriously, the only thing that is remotely unbelievable in the novel is the fact that no one realized that Draco was in love with Hermionie. I mean, it's so blatantly obvious. And flying broomsticks.
Maybe Jk Rowling should Accio up some ORIGINAL IDEAS
On a completely unrelated note..
Never go to California. Ever.
I've never been, which makes me a reliable source since I'm not dead.
It's.Just.Horrible. There are fires..EVERYWHERE.
If fire were an export..California would single handedly solve this economic crisis. Because they just have so much fire. It's not even metaphorical fire, it's actual fire. Plus earthquakes are happening all the time. Why go there.(Not a question for a reason.)
Just kidding about that last one, camping would be amazing.
As would being a firefighter.
You think firefighters like fighting fires? Maybe they start the fires to keep their job? J'ACCUSE.

To end this blog of mindless ranting..I'd like to relate a conversation between me and my roommate. Chris.
"Know that song Adam?"
"It's Chair of Rock by the smashing pumpkins."
Haha..I'm hilarious

American football is a closeted homosexual. Touchdown?

I'm terrible at blogs.
But seeing as this is finals week, I think I'll restart it up, for lolz and giggles and rofls. Hm. I could go for a rofl. Or is that a ruffle? Damn English language.
Today I went to a football game, excuse me, I went to an American Football game. I almost overhyped my day. Silly me. SO as I was saying, I was sitting in the audience, studying for my test, when suddenly I GOT HARASSED and DRUGGED. Okay, I'm kindof exagerating. But riddle me this...what's so bad about studying at a football game? No one is creating any intelligent conversation and's not FOOTBALL. Why do Americans call football football. You kick the ball a marginally short ammount of time compared to when you touch it. Man..maybe American Football is a closeted homosexual sport. So obsessed with touching balls that they cover up their obvious male fetish with a so obviously heterosexual name. I mean, comeon! Look at the obvious signs. Like..the terms of football. Touch down? TOUCH..DOWN. Ball Carrier. BLOW....OUT! Check DOWN.CORNER BACK.DEAD BALL!DEFENSIVE...DEFENSIVE..DEFENSIVE BACK!GOAL LINE. HAND OFF.HOLDING!KNEEL! LINE BACKER.LOOSE BALL!RUSH! I could go ON AND ON! It's gayer than Daniel Radcliffe. You think he's straight, don't you? Damn, now I have to furtherly digress. Damn. Okay, one word. Equus. Wait...damn that's beastiality. Okay I'm regressing now....
Okay well anyway, I'm there studying for philosophy, minding my own buisness...when a drunk wench approached me saying: "Why are you studying! WTF WTF. (What the fuck), dude chilll out, drink some of this".
Why did I drink some of that, I still don't know to this day.
I took a sip.
I'm kindof a baby, but that was my first sip of alcohol.
Now before I make a confession, let me just say that I think all the time.
All the time.
I'm an overthinker.
Now, that tiny bit of alcohol. It let me be me. It let me quote the beatles! WAPA. I hate george lopez, why did I just quote him?
Anyway, that was today.

I have more to say, but I'm going to let that start my next post.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I'm like Oliver Wood baby..I'm a Keeper.

I never write in the morning...
but I'm writing about mourning
so I think it works.
I've recently read a blog about how to deal with someone who is mourning. After reading it I realized that I'm even going to be the best at helping people mourn. Is there anything I can't do? No, I can't do that thing where I turn into light! Shut up Jesus. Jeez, always trying to one-up me. It was a rhetorical question!
Anyway, I would have my own show and everything. The Mourning helper! The theme song would start out with a rapid beat, a sort of tarzan vibe, then it would suddenly stop. You hear a huge gasp of breath and a sudden fountain of shrieks, outcries, and overall sadness. Then suddenly all goes quiet and you can just hear the pumpkin shaped frowns being turned upside down. (Quick note: frowns don't go into a complete u shape when you're frowning, so by turning that frown upside down actually makes it form a sort of smirk on your face, instead of a recognizable smile.) Then you would hear a huge voice saying: THE MOURNING, and a small squeaky voice whispering: helper! My gorgous face would then appear, taking up the whole screen, while winking at whoever is watching. I'd be like the mono lisa, except pretty, and without mono. Or was that Mona Lisa? Who knows?
I rode the Harry Potter ride four times now and I have to say that I'm not as impressed as everyone else is. I mean, it's pretty cool how your vehicle thing goes right up to each and every creature and how realistic it feels. Plus, hearing Rons voice makes me feel all happy inside; the anti-dementer feeling, if you will.
Now to be a negative Nancy, or in this case, a negative Neville, or a vivacious Voldemort, or a Hindersome Harry, or a sexy Severus....I've gone too far. Oxymorons aren't usually my thing.
Sorry to be a negative Neville, but the story line of the ride made absolutely no sense at all. First of all, letting Muggles into Hogwarts would be preposterous. I mean, they're not supposed to know wizards exsist! I say they because I'm a wizard. While you're in the castle you see Dumbledore, which is obviously impossible because he's dead. After that, you get into the ride and you're supposed to be on a broom following Ron and Harry when suddenly Hagrid asks you if you've seen a dragon. Why would he have a Hungarian Horntail at Hogwarts? I saw no Goblet on fire. I didn't even see a small candle with a flame. Then after you "defeat" the Dragon, you're suddenly in the Forbidden Forest and see the Womping Willow, which really isn't that unbelievable. Suddenly you're then at the Quidich Pitch and Dementors come out of no where to attack you? What? That makes no sense. Dementors were only around when Sirius broke out of prison! Plus, after Voldemort was killed they depleted in numbers and wouldn't be stupid enough to go into the lions den, so to speak. After a couple Dementers glide at you, you're suddenly in the Chamber of Secrets? WTF. I think the maker of the ride just watched the movies, picked a couple of scenes, and made a ride. I can probably recreate the ride by watching the movies and moving from side to side.
The butterbeer made up for everything, probably because I was in a sugar coma, but still.
From now on, I just want Barnes and Noble gift cards for all gift giving holidays. I want it to be so if someone gives me something that's not a Barnes and Noble gift card, they feel really out of place and be looked at like they're a moron. At first they'd think: "Man, all these people gave him the same thing! I am so original". Then I'd open it and a sudden gasp would occur. Everyone would point at the door at say: "Get out". And that'd be the end of that. Hilarious.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn

I think my blogging dry spell is now over. Thank God, or lack there of, I do not really know. I don't want this blog to be all about Jesus, although he'd like it to be (more on that later), so I'll just say a few things. 1. Jesus is definitely nicer than God is and I feel safer in writing this blog. 2. Jesus is kindof, how do I say this uncontroversially, egotistical? I mean, when he says jump, he expects everyone to say: how high. When he says love thy neighbor he expects everyone to have sex, right then and there. When he says do onto others as you would have done onto you, he expects you to magically get all of God's powers and help with his work load. Enough with this clever babbling, Jesus kind of wants everyone to drop everything and follow him, but honestly, I like my stuff. Can you wait, say, about eight decades? And lastly 3.The more I read the bible, the more I laugh whenever I hear the self asked rhetorical question: "What would Jesus do?". If I find out there's someone in my group of friends that wants to kill me, I'm not going to be a dumbass and let them do it. Jeez Jesus, haha, try that's so Ravening it! If Raven can do it, so can you. If I ran out of wine, and I'm in dire for it, I'm going to the store. If God tries to test me by making me fast for 40 days and nights in a desert and the devil offers me food, I will probably eat it. So sorry Jesus, I constantly ask myself: "What would House do", or "What would J.D (scrubs) do?" or, most importantly: "What would Adam do?" Having a role model always leads you to be focusing on that 2nd place prize, while all two of my eyes are on first. I mean, if life is a game, there has to be a winner. Right?
Okay, so that's enough about Jesus. CHRIST! Not you.
I honestly do not understand why people are in love with South Park. I stay up at night thinking about it. I mean, it's bad enough they're all midgets, but to add to it all, their voices are just so disgusting. I never knew a voice could literally sound so ugly that it would make me taste vommit in my mouth, but congratulations South Park, you've done it.
Speaking of sleeping, every night I've been trying to create my own dreams like they did in Inception without avail. Everytime I realize the dream is a dream, I wake up. It's killing me inside. Oh, and by the way, he wasn't dreaming. In Inception, Cob WAS not dreaming. Now to all you Pro Dreamers out there, I know you probably have a million arguments as to why he was. The kids didn't age, the top kept spinning, his life had a story tale ending, so on and so on. Now I won't address those only to say that we never knew how long Cob(Leo) was gone from his kids, the top could have fallen, and some stories do end..happily? Here's my proof though. Watch the movie again and notice that whenever he's dreaming he wears a ring on his finger. When he's not dreaming, he isn't. At the end of the movie, he has no ring on his finger. SO he wasn't dreaming. Plus the name of the girl that helped him through the 4 dreams was Ariande. Why is this important? It's important because in greek mythology, Ariande led a greek god out of this giant maze made by a horrible greek goddess and he made it out safely. So in conclusion, Suck it.
I decided that I can't decide if Inception is better than The Dark Knight. The only thing I definitely know is that Chris Nolan is a genius.
I think it's weird that I always end my blogs at midnight.
So I'm going to end my note with an update on my life for once:
I'm currently living in Davids House because my parents are at my Uncles Wedding in England
I am ridiculously jealous of the above stated fact
I am obsessed with blogs on psychology
I love the game wipeout, but I hate the show
I love reading the Bible and how no one can school me at it
I might be going to Washington D.C next thursday and I should have technically been there three days ago
I hate using I, a lot. Whenever I do, I feel egotistical and douchy. (meaning showery in french)
I love Jason Mraz..a lot.
Lastly, I love how certain people in my life can make me feel so happy and accomplished by saying the simplist things.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Oh my god, I said "Oh my god"

Okay, so writing in this blog is really getting hard. Instead of talking about Jesus in this blog entry, I will instead talk about a group of people, a lot like the 12 disciples; or whatever they were called, who also drank alcohol and believed that they could do anything. The leader would also have had a beard if she didn't wax herself so often. That's right folks, I'm comparing Jesus and his followers to Jersey Shore. Is that a sin? Let me check the bible. Cheating: no. Stealing: no. Saying "Oh my god": damn it, I just said it. Murder: no. Okay, I think I'm safe...OH NO! God damn it! Apparantly it counts as blasphemy. I could kill someone right now! But for fear of commiting another sin, I will stop while I'm ahead? Behind? I mean, technically I'm ahead because I have two sins, when before I had none. But, I can also be judged as bellow because I'll be going to hell for doing those things.
I don't really understand why saying Oh My God is a sin. I mean, everyone does it, but no one repents each time they say it. Plus, isn't repenting supposed to be ridiculously painful? I mean, if I repented each and every time I said "Oh my god", I think I would commit suicide. Wouldn't you? Also, if you say Oh my gosh, isn't that the same thing because you're basically thinking: Oh my god? It's a paradox. People don't even repent until the end of their lives anyway, and I think it's cheating in a way. I mean, people that do good things their whole life go to heaven, but a bad person who says sorry at the end goes to heaven too? That's like me studying to get an A and someone else cheating to get the same score I did. This doesn't really sound like a "Just" God, but if you think about it, nothing about him is. I mean, if God did exsist, or at least in the way we portray him, wouldn't you think he'd stop the countless deaths in Africa? Wouldn't he forbid war and listen to everyone's thoughts, not just Christians?
The expression "everything happens for a reason" scares me. I mean, what possible reason could there be for a two year old kid to get drowned in the bath tub by his mom? What possible reason could there be for 200 years of slavery? What possible reason could there be for the current child army constantly growing in Uganda? If there is a God, he is either not doing his job, or is a watcher, and not an actor in this play we call life. Otherwise, I'd rather be in the first circle of Hell with Ghandi and Freedie Mercury.
Sorry for my huge exasperated tangent, but alas, these things trouble me.
Anyway, now for a more believable being: Snooky and the gang in Jersey Shore. Now, I know what you're thinking: "I knew Adam was gay". Sorry homosexuals out there, I love fly booties on fake tanless women. Unfake tanless women? I don't even know.
The whole show felt like a giant soap opera that was unscripted and uncut. Well, the dresses were definitely cut, if you know what I mean. The whole concept of the show is very witty and it's no wonder why they have many viewers. Although, I can't tell if the girls on the show are hot, or disgusting. They should work on that.
My favourite part was when Snooky was pissed off at Obama for raising the tax on tanning booths. She thought he was after people like her and she knew Palin would never do something like that. Hilarious
Tommorows blog topic will not be declared just because I've been very bad about reading and sticking to my schedule.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

If you have an issue, here's a tissue.

Now I know I said that I would post something everyday, SO I am. Even though this will be ridiculously short, even by my standards. Okay so I typed in controversial issues into google and the first thing that came up was gay marriage. Here's my view. Everyone is entitled to be unhappy..LOL JK that's Eminems view. But right now it's my view, because as long as they're not marrying me, I don't really care, nor should anyone. Religion and politics should be a personal thing and that's basically the issue when dealing with gay marriage. Since half of my answer was copying my white chocolate friend, pun, the next topic that came out was Affirmitive Action. People get born rich, so they start out in life ahead. Why can't being born black give people advantages, other than being able to dance and cook amazing chicken? I say Affirmitive.
Tommorow I'll continue my Bible biography and divulge into the life and times of Jesus Christ aka: the god in OH MY GOD. Is jesus god, the son of god, or just gods cousin? Read more to find out, or don't. Only God will know...and my blog reader counter.
What else? I basically "discovered" two more amazing websites and one amazing show that I will talk about the next blog entry when I have more time.
Chao for now.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

If you're not swimming or skinny dipping...get out

Unlike yesterday, today was my day for soccer. Now everyone was rooting for Argentina and they had sixty percent odds that they would win, and what happened? Germany kicked their asses. Or lack their of. It was amazing. 4-0. If that wasn’t enough, the next game had three penalties in a record time of one minute and no one scored. But, Spain won. Still, at least Paraguay lost like they deserved to. They beat Japan unfairly, won on false pretences, and therefore deserved to lose.
After soccer, I had to go to the pool with my brother and while I was swimming forty laps it hit me. People don’t go to the pool to swim anymore. Most people just stand around, laugh, and throw balls. Some people actually get angry at the people who are trying to swim because they take up too much space and accidentally run into them. So I blame you, swimming pools, for making it a place for people to just stand in and get a tan, hitherto causing obesity in America. Luckily enough, I have a cure. See, after people get obese from not swimming in pools, they stop swimming because of their grotesque figure. Therefore, they lose all exercise and die a horrible death. My plan is to put all fat people in one giant pool and leave them there for a week, so they can get used to being weightless again. That way, when they finally get out of the water and have the Earth’s pull on them, they’ll get so sick of it that they’ll actually exercise and work off the pounds. I will make millions.
Hm what else? Well my mom returned my Bible to the library “accidentally”, so I have nothing to read. But, I coped by finding this site called It’s this awesome site where you can just go from page to page and it teaches you random things about everything in the world. I think if I spend enough time on it, I’ll be a genius.
Hmmm, lastly there’s a rapping weather man on the fox channel so if the writing career doesn’t work, I’ll just do that, for Cnn of course.
I think that’s all I have for today except that I love random information from random website.

Worst Restaurant Ever

I’m running out of things to say already. I’m only joking, when have I ever have nothing to say except when I’m stuck in my head? Well anyway, I love the word Hitherto. I have a whole new diction and you’re not even here to hear it. Get it? Probably not. Regardless, I have other things to talk about than my ever growing diction, woah de ja vu. Or should I say De ja ecrit. (Google translate that shet). Anyways, today Daniela and Diana came over to watch soccer and it was depressing. Both Brazil and Ghana lost and both games were ridiculously unfair. Well, no, Brazil was just playing terribly and fricken lost to the Netherlands, who are apparently a really good team. The Ghana game, however, was atrocious(new diction betch); Ghana had a free kick and they kicked it right into a player in the goal, not the goalie, and you know what that player did? He used his F’n hands. So of course, he got a red card and got sent off, but if he hadn’t been in the way Ghana would have won seeing as it was 0-0 last minute of overtime. So Ghana gets a penalty and they miss, then they lose in the actual penalty kick round after overtime. If that Uragayanese player hadn’t touched it or been there Ghana would have won. UGH. What a disappointment. So now the only team I like is Germany and they better fricken win.
SO I think I’m about done talking about my day, except to say that I’m turning into a flabby nerd that only reads and occasionally hangs out with his friends only to play video games and a plethora of other nerdesque activities. I need some excitement, some skullduggery(when will my diction ever stop getting amazing? Answer: Never), and some racism. With a side of sexism, if you’ve got it.

Can't touch this, legally

Now before today, I thought I was hot. I thought I was all that and a bag of chips. I thought I was peanut butter, jelly, and a baseball bat, simultaneously. I thought WRONG. Lol jk, am I ever wrong? I just got even more amazing. I sometimes feel like people actually think I’m this narcissistic, I really am not. I do what a lot of comedians do, and create this narcissistic character to get casual laughs from you guys. If I was as narcissistic as I act, I’d be imperfect. Wrap your brain around that one. Anyway, today, I got a haircut, and a new phone. So I walk in and say: “Make it as short as you want, but make it look good”. And boom: Fohawk. Thank God for gay hair dressers. Oh shoot! If you thank god for creating a gay person, won’t that piss him off? I’m literally shivering now after reading the beginning of the bible…God’s mean. I can’t wait till he gets through the terrible teens, then I can start joking about him again. Okay so I have no idea who I should thank, because has anyone ever met a straight hairdresser? I haven’t. Maybe me thanking God for a gay hairdresser is like thanking god for a blue sky, or a Hispanic Nicole, or an adamazing personality. Philosophical ideas aside, I sent a picture of my amazing face to Nicole and even she said I look Hot. I mean, Nicole. She’s literally the first person to say: “Shut up Adam, you’re not that great.” So let’s go under the assumption that I wasn’t hot before. Now I’m funny, smart, witty, talented, athletic, sociable, and now: hot. I have no idea how anyone is going to be able to keep their hands off me. I can’t even do that.

This is the start of something new...sortof

I woke up this morning feeling very unP-diddyish,brushing my teeth with a bottle of toothpaste, read someones blog, and realized, why the f am I not writing in my blog on a regular basis. I have two entries for June, and it's July. I know no one reads it, but I need to decide whether I want to continue to consistantly write in it, or consistantly not write in it. Consistancy is very important. I'm not sure if consistantly is a word. Isn't it constantly?
So, I have several blog entries coming from the past month that I've written but have been to busy to correct and post. I think they're alright. Isn't it weird that if you add an l to alright, it's all right, meaning perfect, but without the L, it's imperfect? Amazing what one letter can do. Nucking futs, I'm rambling. My goal is to write in this baby every day til summer ends. Nothing is stopping me, even if I have to write at 2 o'clock in the morning in the middle of a desert in Alaska, with nothing but a turtle to charge my computer and an eskomo to sit on.
Good Morning, Good Afternoon, and Good night.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Two Girls and One...World Cup?

Yo Zidane, I'm happy for you, and I'm a let you finish, but Robert Green is the most embarassing soccer player of all time...OF ALL TIME! Seriously though,old westerns aside, the England game against the U.S was the most depressing thing I've ever seen. They had Youtube videos on hours after the game. Hilarious videos. Very witty in fact; if this game wasn't so....depressing. Gosh my diction is going down the tube....just like Englands soccer team...HELLO! See I can joke about it already. But in all seriousness...Robert Green YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! I have two theories. One, the Americans paid you off! Or two: You lost a bet against your fellow "goalie" friends that you could save every goal with ridiculously large soccer gloves. I mean, did you see those things? You could land a plane on them. But, in a way, didn't the English deserve to get their heart broken? I mean...they basically destroyed the Gulf Of Mexico and killed thousands of animals and potential land, without us even declaring war on them. Us, U.S, beating them is kindof like a psycological warefare/revenge that we deserved to repay. So I actually just convinced myself that Robert Green isn't that bad, and I'll feel sorry for him once he gets kicked off the English team and hanged.
In other news, in Saudi Arabia today a man got hanged for saying that's so gay. If only Wanda could do her "stop saying that's so gay" commercials by showing that footage. I am seriously never saying that's so gay ever again. From now on it's: that's so green. If you know what I mean.
The two girls in this cleverly named title are Scarlett Johanson and Jessica Alba, they are ridiculously hot, and could have been in the world cup. Who knows.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Aziz Ansari is my hero

So I don't know what it is about me, but, food related incidents constantly happen to me, and I just don't know what to do about it. Now if you know me at all, you'd know that I'm not picky, I just have this strong intuition that I'm allergic to eggs. Well anyways more on that later. I hate places where I have to tell people what I want. I hate it. Take... krap.... what's that mexican place called again? Quick text to Nicole...okay take Chipotle. Now whenever I go, the servers guilt me into having beans in my Wife Beater. Yeah wierd name for a burrito right? It sounds like I took off my shirt, took off my undershirt, put an assortment of vegetables and meat, and gorged on that plethora of fabric. Sounds rather bland. Do beaters of wives eat that type of burrito? Or do people who become wife beaters, become wife beaters because of the wife beater burrito? Sounds like an age old question. Anyway, everytime I go to Chipotle, they guilt me into putting nasty things in my burrito, like beans and that nasty white sauce. You know what I'm talking about. Well I told this to my friend Nicole and she told me I was being dumb. I should order what I like and that's that. Okay, so I walk in to this hell hole, which was then a place of wonder and choice, I walk up to the porty african american woman, politely ask for a wife beater, and then I ordered my burrito! HELLO! Jokes aside, she asked me: "Black beans or yellow(i think) beans?" SHE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A NO BEANS OPTION. But whatever, I swallowed up my pride and said: "No beans..thank you". Of course she didn't hear me, which caused me to say:"NO BEANS THANK YOU." Now a normal person, not that I'm saying that black people are abnormal, the unsaid woman was just extremely jerkish. Well I would be too, if I worked there. I mean, maybe that's how they get their entertainment. I watch tv, some people play pokemon, Chipotle employees laugh at peoples orders. So she laughs at my face because me not liking beans is apparantly the funnist thing since the Boondocks. Oh those honkies, what will they do next? And I'm still throughly embarassed after her cackling; so when she asks me if I want the white sauce or the red sauce, notice no NO option, I said white sauce. My wife beater was ruined, and I will never eat at such an aweful place again, although the meat was very succulent. Isn't it weird how if you're full of awe of a person it's a good thing, but if a person's aweful, you hate them?

Rhetorical questions ignored, this happened about a month ago, so why mention it now? On this blog of all blogs? Well today I went to another establishment that lets you "choose" your meal. This time, it was Cold Stone. Now I'm a traditional guy. I like my chocolate, my vanilla, my strawberry, my resess(never know how to spell it ugh), and of course, my oreo. But, Cold stone is basically the Sweden of the Icecream continent. Meaning, that it basically rapes all of it's ice cream flavours with basically any topping it can, although I do love their tasteful names for their sugary delights. Take the "All lovin, No oven." Sounds like a jews that was distasteful, but so is this sorry excuse for an ice cream choice. Now you know the ice cream is being assaulted by toppings if the flavour of ice cream is on the bottom of the list. This beauty is covered in cookie dough, fudge and most importantly whipped cream. Oh, I guess the name does make sense. I do like your wit Cold Stone. However your customer service leaves must to be desired. I was in a plain mood and I just wanted a scoop of regular vanilla icecream. Nothing crazy. No Oreo Overload for me today, no sir, just vanilla. They would not take no for an answer. They would do that thing, you know, that people do when they can't believe what you just said. My portly, now crackerish, employee asked: "No toppings?" in that smug voice like I just said I wasn't going to college and they asked me "No education?" YES NO TOPPINGS, give me my ice cream. Jeezus. I swear. Having a choice is great if you can create it yourself. Maybe that's why people don't like adoption. hmm. Anyway, Menchies is the perfect place for Ice cream and I now hate every other country in this distasteful continent of Eurafrickenkiddenmeyoucallthiscustomerservicepe.

Now with all of this frustration vented out of me, I can now focus on what matters: The World Cup! Now, I hate club soccer, I'm a country watcher! What can I say? Well this year I have all my money riding on England, as always. Watching them play makes my hair stick on end. Funnily enough though, I'll lose more than metaphorical money this World Cup. If England loses against the United States on the first match of the competition, I have to shave my hair. But if England loses, my dad has to shave his hair, or lack their of, off. Now have you guys seen my hair? It's f'n gorgous. I have never seen anything more lusciously flowing and beautiful in my life. But then again, who has? So I am obviously not going to cut it, even if I lose. I'm a lot of things, but not a man of word. Escpecially when it comes to bets that cause hair loss.

I've been listening to Superman by Eminem. It's basically how I'm going to live life from now on.

I AM IN LOVE WITH AZIZ ANSARI. He is literally the funniest stand up comedian I have ever heard and..watched.

Twilight...stop winning awards. Teenagers who love twilight...stop voting. Don't you get enough of a thrill by reading and watching your heart throbs? Must you smash them in our faces? By our I obviously mean all the other people that actually enjoy books that are written well. Crazy me.

After all: "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written, that is all." - Wilde

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Do you doubt my doubt? I doubt it

This whole summer thing has made me soft. Literally. I think I've eaten my weight in chips yesterday, and that was just breakfast. And yet, my mom tells me I'm skin and bone and according to the quack, aka Dr Oz, my muscle will start being used for energy and I'll lose muscle mass and be doomed to have Mrs Desmonds wings forever. LOLZ what muscle? I'd prefer to call it my P-51 semi automatic, size doesn't always matter.

Hard Knock

Who's there?

Me! Along with Jordy and a bunch of other less important people. Hard knocks is the Tiger woods of laser tag, with none of the embarassing controversies and hoes. Does the word ho add an e when it goes plural? hmm. Oh real quick, a note to Tiger Woods: Your wife was smokin hot.....those 18 women aren't, thank god she took you back... get glasses. What was I talking about, oh yes hard knocks. Okay so first you pick a name, mine of course being Tupac with an upside down question mark. Yes I held my gun sideways, thanks for asking. Now, most laser tag places have...the same gun for everyone. This place has machine guns, shot guns, snipers, and basically anything you would use if you were actually going to war, and all the guns had girl names. It had all the fun of the Iraq war, with none of the actual death, and all of the innuendos of naming your gun after a girl. I basically got cornered by four different people on multiple occasions and basically had the time of my life. I knew it'd be legit, but I thought it might quit. It didn' was too legit to quit.
Speaking of legit, I've been thinking about some things that are not legit, and I wish I would quit:
What's up with girls thinking cars are hot? Or guys for that matter? Cars are literally a piece of metal that take you from one place to the other. It's definitely a new sensation seeing as how we used to use horses. Do you think women used to get turned on my a horses neigh? I CAN do a good impersonation, but alas I was born in the wrong century. It makes no sense. It's like getting turned on by a toaster. Oh that's right toaster, please yeah yea you you you yessss my buns are toasted! Niceeee. NO. JUST NO. They look cool I guess, but to be feeling feelings of intimacy just because of a roar of an engine is a little extreme. Even for women. And men.

Another thing, what's the point of award ceremonies, graduation, and weddings for that matter? Do we really need any of those things? Think about it for two seconds. Award ceremonies and graduation are just an ego boosters. It is! I mean, what other reason could there be to get awards and applause from screaming parents and friends? It's a hubris thing, and I for one do not see the point. Not only do I not feel proud about graduating, I also don't feel like listening to hundreds of names in a three hour period. Now, why are weddings pointless? Well, a wedding is just a way to declare your love for your wife or husband in front of everyone you know. So you're basically saying: Hey guys I love my wife, don't believe me? Heres a bunch of wedding vows and a humongous ring. Eastern culture definitely has it right by showing their love in silence. But where does that leave me? Well, I for one, love award ceremonies, and graduation and I want a ridiculously amazing wedding. Confused? These things aren't logical. At all. I have an ego, a giant one in fact, and the thing is, I like to keep it fed, along with my stomach. I like being patted on the back. I like having hubris. I love being awarded for my hard work. Without feelings, life would be ridiculously logical, but is life worth living without them? I want to see my wife across the aisle, and honestly, being an american, I will want to scream my love for her from the tallest mountain, and soothe all her doubt by doing so. So I guess the that there's no point, except for self pleasure.

Speaking of self pleasure, no one does anything nice without a reason. Ever. People like to believe that people can be selfless and would do anything for anyone without any reward, but the truth is, it's impossible. When I help someone, I do it to feel better about myself and because it makes me feel good. That's why everyone helps, and there is no person on Earth that helps people without that same exact self pleasure you get from weddings and graduations. NONE.

Anyway, I started reading the Bible and I have a question for all the Christians out there. Between all the begating, and the God asking for light and the light coming and the whole Eve eating that damn apple, there's one thing that doesn't make sense. Well two. Well three. One, why does eve eating an apple cause us to never be able to see eachother naked? Two, why did eve eat that apple? Okay four! Why can't snakes talk? And Four, the biggest one! What happened to the dinosaurs? I mean God created the world in 6 days and rested for one right? Why'd he rest if he's an all powerful...nevermind, I'm bombarding you with questions anyway, let me continue. God created humans during those seven days so humans and dinosaurs must have simultaniously existed according to creationism. Valid observation right? I mean, was Jesus riding a raptor while he said that we should lay our treasures up in heaven? Was a crucification just a bunch of Cruxicherios tearing Jesus to shreads? Yes a Cruxicherios was a dinosaur apparantly...I wikipediad it. Dont' give me that look! I still believe in it. Does a Cruxicherios look like a crucifix and a box of chereos? Clever observations aside, I read once that born again Christians believe that dinosaur bones were sent to Earth to "trick" humans into not believing in God, to "test" their faith? I'm sure you're wondering: who are these born again christians? Welllll, President George Bush is/was one, and so is Sarah Palin and many other huge members of society. Let me continue with this thought. So, this God of ours, is trying to trick us? We have a prankster god on our hands? A Prometheus? A Hermes? "HAHAHA we'll see who believes in me now." Will a dialogue at the gates of heaven go like this?: "Everything looks fine you belive in dinosaurs?" "Welll yeah, there are bones everywhere" "YOU IDIOT, Flying LIZARDS! YOU're a MORON" "It seemed so plausible....." This leads me to my next question: was jesus a raptor? Is god a raptor? If I die and go to heaven will I be torn to shreads or be put into slavery under an angry T-rex with a bad attitude? I'll have more questions as I continue to read. I'm not trying to make fun of anyones religion, I'm just trying to question the way we think of things and will do the same thing when I read the Quran. After all Augustus said: When we doubt, our faith increases"

I'll end this ridiculously thoughtful blog by saying that I'm going to graduate on Saturday and all I can think about is: is it just me, or does this cloak make me look like Harry?

I'm Harry right?

I'll have a blog just about that topic
But for now...
I'll stop writing every thought I think.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

This is awkward... Hi.... Where have I been? Would you believe I had homework? I was busy? Haha Seniors don't have homework or exams. Sorry blog, I just didn't have the energy to write anything lately. I feel like I just came home from cheating on my wife or something. Anyway a lot has happened.

My books have finally arrived, and I have figured out that I literally have over three thousand pages to read in a month. Haha, kids in Africa fear not finding the next meal, and I'm afraid of not finishing a couple of books that I can always re check out. Funny how life is.

Prom was one of the most amazing days of my life and I couldn't have possibly picked a better person to go with. I was never more comfortable dancing or talking to anyone. Hopefully my bad dancing didn't put her off.

Now many people ask me: what if my future son likes dancing instead of football, and his friends make fun of him? Well...he can dance if he wants to. He can leave his friends behind. Because if his friends don't dance and if they don't dance then their no friends of his. SSSSS AAAA FFFF EEEE.
It's amazing how some people have to spend a lot of money to have fun, but when I'm with Kat and Nicole, I can literally be doing anything. Two days ago we just went to the Dr Phillips park and spent the whole time on the swings trying to kick our shoes as far as possible. Such simplicities in life are the things I'll always remember.

I don't understand scientific protocol. This is random, but it just pisses me off. There is apparantly a cure for cancer that they've found, but it won't be available to the public til 2020. 2020? SERIOUSLY? You know how many people die a year from cancer and they have to take 10 years to do all their ridiculous testing. I know it should take at least 5 years but if I was dying from Cancer I would literally do anything to get rid of that tumor. I keep thinking about it more and more, and cancer seems like a great thing for pharmaceudical companies. Kimo therapy makes up half of their revenue and almost 1/3 of Americans get cancer at one point of their life. So what would happen if we found a cure? If the cure was something like eating an orange with salt on it? They would lose everything. Everything. Logically, having a cure would be a terrible thing for business owners, and if I was a pharamaceudical chairman I would avoid the cure, ironically, like the plague.

Don't you hate it when you wanted to say something, it was the perfect time to say it, and you didn't say it. You couldn't verbalize it? You whisper it so silently that it's inaudible to everyone but you? I hate those moments and wish I had more courage.

I love Shrek 4. Shrek puns like redonkulous will never ever ever get old. <3.

I'm going to start reading the Bible soon. I want to see what the fuss is all about.

Throughout my high school life, people have said that I look like Shaggy, from Scoobie Doo, and today it happened again. Now, I can't tell if that's an insult, or a compliment, or what. Now from what I remember, Daphny and Fred would always go alone together and wouldn't show up til the end. I always wondered what they did, and now I know. Velma always lost her glasses! You would think she'd get contacts by the 50th episode. And Scooby's voice was hilarious and so was Shaggys. But I think it's an insult because Shaggy, along with all of the other characters in Scooby Doo, never figured out that the bad guy is and always will be Old Man Jenkins. Always. The basic theme of Scooby Doo is to never trust old men. Ever.

Tommorow is the last day of school. The Armagadon of High School. I don't know whether I've been shot in the foot or won a million dollars. All I know is that the future looks amazing, but I hope I don't lose the past, the memories, and the people that I've met along the way.

I'd like to end this blog. Well actually this blog is more of a ramble because I just named random ideas and things that have happened with no interconnecting whatsoever. Anyways lets just call it a blog. I'd like to end this blog with an entry from jordans yearbook that I have signed tonight:

"When did this flame come to be stricken with this match of passion, love and all things rock and roll? Well my thoracic cavity was first intruded on my 2nd class of the day freshman year began, the day my life began. I walked into the room and saw it. It was a muffin. A muffin with two different shades of brown with a halo underneath and a skater look that made me want to do a pancake spin on his doughy, but soft, posterior and land straight on his femur, and feel mur. I had to play it cool. I sat in front of him, turned around slowly, did a Sebastien flip, and oddly coined that phrase before everyone, and stared straight into his light brown hershey milk chocolate eyes and lucky me, he had a caramel filing. He gave me this crazy face, but, crazy in the way that Jessica Alba is crazy hot, the way that Lydia Chung is crazy smart, and the way that Chris anne is crazy for not looking both ways before crossing the street. He did it before I did it, and when he did, it felt so good. No innuendo (in your endo) intended...yet. Hey I'm Jordan F. What's your name?" The He was you, the me was me, and the love was strong..."

When I next will be the summer.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

"Oh my God!".."You Rang?"

Did Jesus ever go to the bathroom? Don't look at my blog like that! It's a valid question. I mean, between his talking about neighbors, sinners and sluts did he ever have to pop a squat in a random hole somewhere? Can you imagine living in Jesus's time, knowing he's God, and going to the bathroom right next to him? I don't know about you, but I'd keep that feces. Speaking of feces, someone apparantly put feces in the soap dispensor at school. Hopefully no one washed their face with it. The reason I'm asking about the whole Jesus number 2 thing, is because I was Jesus today for Gods and Godesses day. I kindof took it literal. Oh my Me was my catch phrase and whenever anyone said Oh my God, I'd instantly reply: You rang? Comedic Gold.

I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. Logically it makes no sense at all. I mean, what reason could there be for me dropping my pencil? Or eating an extra chicken leg when i really shouldn't? But, if you only live your life logically, you're only living half of your life. And I suppose that's always been my problem. I'm like Voldemort with one horcrux. Anyway I've been trying to find out what I should major in other than English, and I do this thing where I look for hints fate gives me to make my decision, and today, fate was a betch. Probably for the whole blasphamy thing. I'm picking between Psycology, Anthropology and Political Science. First, my Anatomy teacher decided to have this whole conversation about the origin of racism with me, and I couldn't have been more interested. We talked for more than twenty minutes and I realized that theres nothing I love more than traveling and learning about other cultures. But then, BAM, I get voted most likely to be the next president of the United States in my stats class, even though I was born in Scotland. Bravo for that. And then Excel, a UCF program, called me about me changing my major, and if I'd do a science related field, then proceeded on telling me how amazing the psycology program is at UCF. AH. At least I have one month left to decide, but maybe I can double major, double minor.

SPOILER ALERT: Cuddy ended up with House on the season finale. Maybe love isn't impossible after all.

I miss reading the harry potter books and wondering what would happen in the next one. I feel like a huge portion of my life is gone, and I'll never get it back. So I'm going to start reading the harry potter books again. Just because :).

I eat while I watch the biggest loser. I like to pretend they can see what they're missing. I also love the hilarious diction they constantly use like: "I have a big problem" and "We have to get over this obese obstacle" and "My weight is my biggest problem". I shouldn't laugh, but they realy need to choose their words more carefully or they'll get a lot more viewers looking for a good laugh. Like me.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I Love House! LOL JK He's Not Real!

Have you ever heard about Froyos before? Yeah neither had I, until today after school. My sister took a bunch of her friends and I to this icecream pavillian where you can pick your own ice cream and toppings, and pay by how much it weighs. Wait a second...that sounds familiar. Hmm Oh that's right, It's EXACTLY like menchies! The cup dispensor is the same, the yogurt machine is the same, they even have a lot of the same toppings! Except it's cheaper! IT doesn't even have the clumps of reese's I put as my sole topping on my usual cookies and cream at Menchies. I honestly think that someone walked into a menchies, looked around, and said: "Wow, this is a really good idea, can I steal it?" Hate to break it to you Froyos, but first of all, whatsup with your name? Is it supposed to be a combination of the words frozen and yogurt? Really? Cause I feel like I'm mouth vomitting everytime I say it. "Are you going to froyos?" "The bathrooms over there....". Second of all, you are basically the equivilent of a "slut" in the weighing ice cream for money buisness. You put your prices lower than the competition, you're easy, and you're not as good as the original. I felt dirty eating you Froyo, and I don't think I'll ever feel more of a Benedick then I did eating your poorly made product. Third of all, use Frozegurt instead! It has more of a ring to it, and doesn't sound like you forgot how to speak the english language.

It's Senior week and although I'm going to be House, Jesus, Mr Barrows, and a Hippy this week, I can't help but to think about what this week leads to. A bunch of dancing, grinding, self conscious movements and Mr Nadler telling us not to go home, but, to get the heck out of there. Final Exams, Senior Walk out, Graduation.

Facebook groups seem to describe my life. Escpecially "Why do I like you, when I know you don't like me back" and "I love you..LOL JK I'm Voldemort" Lmao, people think the animal rubber band thing is a craze but LOL JK is definitely spreading faster. It is literally the only reason I go on Facebook these days. Oh, and nothing is dumber than those animal rubber bands! The only way you can see what animal you have is to take it off, so what's the point? I could just be wearing a regular red rubber band on my hand, but now, you'll never know. Congratulations! Add this new invention to cube shaped cars, snuggies and crocs. As useless as chemo therapy on a cold.

The House Finale is tonight. That period with no explanation or emotion makes it feel final, the end of a really good thing. But in a way, it isn't. There are more seasons to go, but watching this episode end marks a trend of endings for me. High School is ending. Friendships are ending. My way of life, is ending. Will it be an Obama change, or a David Bowie change? What's the difference? Well an Obama change leaves you with a hopeful feeling in your heart and a heavy desire for Kentucky Fried Chicken and Watermellon. Oh and a thirst for Koolaid. While a David Bowie Change just lets you say words like change in a cool way and makes you forget all of your problems. This chachachachacha change will leave me with my besties for the next four years, Lil Sis and Sister in Law, but will undoubtedly leave me to decide what I'm doing for the rest of my life, and meet new people, and become the man I'll be for the rest of my life.
Can't I just stay in my bed all day and read?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Bill Nye Isn't dead!

Today, I had no idea where my common sense has been hiding. Probably wherever sexy was before Justin Timberlake found it. Oh Timberlake..if you weren't funny, I'd have no respect for you.
Anyway, the timber in my lake was the Orange County Library website that I discovered today! You can order books online? What? Why do book stores like Barnes and Nobles exist if you can just get free books sent to your home, free of charge? Are people morons? Then again, I shouldn't be talking. I ordered nine books! Nine! How can i possibly read nine books in one month? Well okay, I can do that with normal books, but one of the books is the fricken bible! One thousand one hundred and one pages of God that most people can't even read in a year! Then I arrogantly continued to order the History of Time by Steven Hawking, Les Miserables, and many other classics that would otherwise take me a ridiculous amount of time to read. I can smell a fine coming, but at least Jesus, and a whole bunch of sinners, can comfort me in my gluttonous consumption of literature, or damn me to hell for it.
Speaking of hell, I was forced to watch Dr Oz today, and I have a slap bet going on with my mom that he has more hole in ones than Tiger Woods. I'm always afraid to say things that can make me sound homoerotic, unless I'm around my japanese bear, but, I think it's perfectly straight to recognize when a man is good looking. Hot is pushing it. So Dr Oz is too....relatively good looking to not be having some sort of affair with all those woman laughing at every corny joke that he makes. "Consider that myth...BUSTED". I nearly died. Anyways, like the wise Betty White said: "Wizard of ASS"
Some closing thoughts...isn't saying history of time redundant? Maybe that's the point that Steven Hawkings is making, and that time is just a black hole that goes on and on without ending. Or maybe he's just an idiot. Who knows?
And why do women watch the Doctor Oz show? They should be in the kitchen, making me a sandwich.
High point: Bill Nye the Science guy is alive and actually came on this horrible show! But Dr Oz kept talking over him! Ugh.
But I guess...that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


How does one start a blog or a blague for that matter? I guess I'll just jump in then.

Pas de Cheval in french literally translates to "I have no horse." I do not have a horse. FACT. I'm no Alan Strang, but horses are literally the best thing since Kanye West interupted Taylor Swift. More on that later. This blog is my horse, and I will metaphorically ride it for as long as I can. Metaphors aside, "Pas" in french slang can mean a foot, or more particularly a step. So a "Pas de Cheval" is a horse step, or in other words a bad step, a mid step. I have a feeling this blog will be just that, an awkward start to an even more awkward journey that will hopefully end in success. I also love the song Pas de Cheval by Panic at the Disco.
Get ready for my views on basically everything I feel like writing about, and please feel free to comment because I will take all the help I can get.
This Blog will be no Blague (french practical joke), but we'll never know until we're there.