Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Two Girls and One...World Cup?

Yo Zidane, I'm happy for you, and I'm a let you finish, but Robert Green is the most embarassing soccer player of all time...OF ALL TIME! Seriously though,old westerns aside, the England game against the U.S was the most depressing thing I've ever seen. They had Youtube videos on hours after the game. Hilarious videos. Very witty in fact; if this game wasn't so....depressing. Gosh my diction is going down the tube....just like Englands soccer team...HELLO! See I can joke about it already. But in all seriousness...Robert Green YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD! I have two theories. One, the Americans paid you off! Or two: You lost a bet against your fellow "goalie" friends that you could save every goal with ridiculously large soccer gloves. I mean, did you see those things? You could land a plane on them. But, in a way, didn't the English deserve to get their heart broken? I mean...they basically destroyed the Gulf Of Mexico and killed thousands of animals and potential land, without us even declaring war on them. Us, U.S, beating them is kindof like a psycological warefare/revenge that we deserved to repay. So I actually just convinced myself that Robert Green isn't that bad, and I'll feel sorry for him once he gets kicked off the English team and hanged.
In other news, in Saudi Arabia today a man got hanged for saying that's so gay. If only Wanda could do her "stop saying that's so gay" commercials by showing that footage. I am seriously never saying that's so gay ever again. From now on it's: that's so green. If you know what I mean.
The two girls in this cleverly named title are Scarlett Johanson and Jessica Alba, they are ridiculously hot, and could have been in the world cup. Who knows.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Aziz Ansari is my hero

So I don't know what it is about me, but, food related incidents constantly happen to me, and I just don't know what to do about it. Now if you know me at all, you'd know that I'm not picky, I just have this strong intuition that I'm allergic to eggs. Well anyways more on that later. I hate places where I have to tell people what I want. I hate it. Take... krap.... what's that mexican place called again? Quick text to Nicole...okay take Chipotle. Now whenever I go, the servers guilt me into having beans in my Wife Beater. Yeah wierd name for a burrito right? It sounds like I took off my shirt, took off my undershirt, put an assortment of vegetables and meat, and gorged on that plethora of fabric. Sounds rather bland. Do beaters of wives eat that type of burrito? Or do people who become wife beaters, become wife beaters because of the wife beater burrito? Sounds like an age old question. Anyway, everytime I go to Chipotle, they guilt me into putting nasty things in my burrito, like beans and that nasty white sauce. You know what I'm talking about. Well I told this to my friend Nicole and she told me I was being dumb. I should order what I like and that's that. Okay, so I walk in to this hell hole, which was then a place of wonder and choice, I walk up to the porty african american woman, politely ask for a wife beater, and then I ordered my burrito! HELLO! Jokes aside, she asked me: "Black beans or yellow(i think) beans?" SHE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A NO BEANS OPTION. But whatever, I swallowed up my pride and said: "No beans..thank you". Of course she didn't hear me, which caused me to say:"NO BEANS THANK YOU." Now a normal person, not that I'm saying that black people are abnormal, the unsaid woman was just extremely jerkish. Well I would be too, if I worked there. I mean, maybe that's how they get their entertainment. I watch tv, some people play pokemon, Chipotle employees laugh at peoples orders. So she laughs at my face because me not liking beans is apparantly the funnist thing since the Boondocks. Oh those honkies, what will they do next? And I'm still throughly embarassed after her cackling; so when she asks me if I want the white sauce or the red sauce, notice no NO option, I said white sauce. My wife beater was ruined, and I will never eat at such an aweful place again, although the meat was very succulent. Isn't it weird how if you're full of awe of a person it's a good thing, but if a person's aweful, you hate them?

Rhetorical questions ignored, this happened about a month ago, so why mention it now? On this blog of all blogs? Well today I went to another establishment that lets you "choose" your meal. This time, it was Cold Stone. Now I'm a traditional guy. I like my chocolate, my vanilla, my strawberry, my resess(never know how to spell it ugh), and of course, my oreo. But, Cold stone is basically the Sweden of the Icecream continent. Meaning, that it basically rapes all of it's ice cream flavours with basically any topping it can, although I do love their tasteful names for their sugary delights. Take the "All lovin, No oven." Sounds like a jews dream...wow that was distasteful, but so is this sorry excuse for an ice cream choice. Now you know the ice cream is being assaulted by toppings if the flavour of ice cream is on the bottom of the list. This beauty is covered in cookie dough, fudge and most importantly whipped cream. Oh, I guess the name does make sense. I do like your wit Cold Stone. However your customer service leaves must to be desired. I was in a plain mood and I just wanted a scoop of regular vanilla icecream. Nothing crazy. No Oreo Overload for me today, no sir, just vanilla. They would not take no for an answer. They would do that thing, you know, that people do when they can't believe what you just said. My portly, now crackerish, employee asked: "No toppings?" in that smug voice like I just said I wasn't going to college and they asked me "No education?" YES NO TOPPINGS, give me my ice cream. Jeezus. I swear. Having a choice is great if you can create it yourself. Maybe that's why people don't like adoption. hmm. Anyway, Menchies is the perfect place for Ice cream and I now hate every other country in this distasteful continent of Eurafrickenkiddenmeyoucallthiscustomerservicepe.

Now with all of this frustration vented out of me, I can now focus on what matters: The World Cup! Now, I hate club soccer, I'm a country watcher! What can I say? Well this year I have all my money riding on England, as always. Watching them play makes my hair stick on end. Funnily enough though, I'll lose more than metaphorical money this World Cup. If England loses against the United States on the first match of the competition, I have to shave my hair. But if England loses, my dad has to shave his hair, or lack their of, off. Now have you guys seen my hair? It's f'n gorgous. I have never seen anything more lusciously flowing and beautiful in my life. But then again, who has? So I am obviously not going to cut it, even if I lose. I'm a lot of things, but not a man of word. Escpecially when it comes to bets that cause hair loss.

I've been listening to Superman by Eminem. It's basically how I'm going to live life from now on.

I AM IN LOVE WITH AZIZ ANSARI. He is literally the funniest stand up comedian I have ever heard and..watched.

Twilight...stop winning awards. Teenagers who love twilight...stop voting. Don't you get enough of a thrill by reading and watching your heart throbs? Must you smash them in our faces? By our I obviously mean all the other people that actually enjoy books that are written well. Crazy me.

After all: "There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written, that is all." - Wilde

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Do you doubt my doubt? I doubt it

This whole summer thing has made me soft. Literally. I think I've eaten my weight in chips yesterday, and that was just breakfast. And yet, my mom tells me I'm skin and bone and according to the quack, aka Dr Oz, my muscle will start being used for energy and I'll lose muscle mass and be doomed to have Mrs Desmonds wings forever. LOLZ what muscle? I'd prefer to call it my P-51 semi automatic, size doesn't always matter.

Hard Knock

Who's there?

Me! Along with Jordy and a bunch of other less important people. Hard knocks is the Tiger woods of laser tag, with none of the embarassing controversies and hoes. Does the word ho add an e when it goes plural? hmm. Oh real quick, a note to Tiger Woods: Your wife was smokin hot.....those 18 women aren't, thank god she took you back... get glasses. What was I talking about, oh yes hard knocks. Okay so first you pick a name, mine of course being Tupac with an upside down question mark. Yes I held my gun sideways, thanks for asking. Now, most laser tag places have...the same gun for everyone. This place has machine guns, shot guns, snipers, and basically anything you would use if you were actually going to war, and all the guns had girl names. It had all the fun of the Iraq war, with none of the actual death, and all of the innuendos of naming your gun after a girl. I basically got cornered by four different people on multiple occasions and basically had the time of my life. I knew it'd be legit, but I thought it might quit. It didn't....it was too legit to quit.
Speaking of legit, I've been thinking about some things that are not legit, and I wish I would quit:
What's up with girls thinking cars are hot? Or guys for that matter? Cars are literally a piece of metal that take you from one place to the other. It's definitely a new sensation seeing as how we used to use horses. Do you think women used to get turned on my a horses neigh? I CAN do a good impersonation, but alas I was born in the wrong century. It makes no sense. It's like getting turned on by a toaster. Oh that's right toaster, please yeah yea you you you yessss my buns are toasted! Niceeee. NO. JUST NO. They look cool I guess, but to be feeling feelings of intimacy just because of a roar of an engine is a little extreme. Even for women. And men.

Another thing, what's the point of award ceremonies, graduation, and weddings for that matter? Do we really need any of those things? Think about it for two seconds. Award ceremonies and graduation are just an ego boosters. It is! I mean, what other reason could there be to get awards and applause from screaming parents and friends? It's a hubris thing, and I for one do not see the point. Not only do I not feel proud about graduating, I also don't feel like listening to hundreds of names in a three hour period. Now, why are weddings pointless? Well, a wedding is just a way to declare your love for your wife or husband in front of everyone you know. So you're basically saying: Hey guys I love my wife, don't believe me? Heres a bunch of wedding vows and a humongous ring. Eastern culture definitely has it right by showing their love in silence. But where does that leave me? Well, I for one, love award ceremonies, and graduation and I want a ridiculously amazing wedding. Confused? These things aren't logical. At all. I have an ego, a giant one in fact, and the thing is, I like to keep it fed, along with my stomach. I like being patted on the back. I like having hubris. I love being awarded for my hard work. Without feelings, life would be ridiculously logical, but is life worth living without them? I want to see my wife across the aisle, and honestly, being an american, I will want to scream my love for her from the tallest mountain, and soothe all her doubt by doing so. So I guess the point...is that there's no point, except for self pleasure.

Speaking of self pleasure, no one does anything nice without a reason. Ever. People like to believe that people can be selfless and would do anything for anyone without any reward, but the truth is, it's impossible. When I help someone, I do it to feel better about myself and because it makes me feel good. That's why everyone helps, and there is no person on Earth that helps people without that same exact self pleasure you get from weddings and graduations. NONE.

Anyway, I started reading the Bible and I have a question for all the Christians out there. Between all the begating, and the God asking for light and the light coming and the whole Eve eating that damn apple, there's one thing that doesn't make sense. Well two. Well three. One, why does eve eating an apple cause us to never be able to see eachother naked? Two, why did eve eat that apple? Okay four! Why can't snakes talk? And Four, the biggest one! What happened to the dinosaurs? I mean God created the world in 6 days and rested for one right? Why'd he rest if he's an all powerful...nevermind, I'm bombarding you with questions anyway, let me continue. God created humans during those seven days so humans and dinosaurs must have simultaniously existed according to creationism. Valid observation right? I mean, was Jesus riding a raptor while he said that we should lay our treasures up in heaven? Was a crucification just a bunch of Cruxicherios tearing Jesus to shreads? Yes a Cruxicherios was a dinosaur apparantly...I wikipediad it. Dont' give me that look! I still believe in it. Does a Cruxicherios look like a crucifix and a box of chereos? Clever observations aside, I read once that born again Christians believe that dinosaur bones were sent to Earth to "trick" humans into not believing in God, to "test" their faith? I'm sure you're wondering: who are these born again christians? Welllll, President George Bush is/was one, and so is Sarah Palin and many other huge members of society. Let me continue with this thought. So, this God of ours, is trying to trick us? We have a prankster god on our hands? A Prometheus? A Hermes? "HAHAHA we'll see who believes in me now." Will a dialogue at the gates of heaven go like this?: "Everything looks fine but....do you belive in dinosaurs?" "Welll yeah, there are bones everywhere" "YOU IDIOT, Flying LIZARDS! YOU're a MORON" "It seemed so plausible....." This leads me to my next question: was jesus a raptor? Is god a raptor? If I die and go to heaven will I be torn to shreads or be put into slavery under an angry T-rex with a bad attitude? I'll have more questions as I continue to read. I'm not trying to make fun of anyones religion, I'm just trying to question the way we think of things and will do the same thing when I read the Quran. After all Augustus said: When we doubt, our faith increases"

I'll end this ridiculously thoughtful blog by saying that I'm going to graduate on Saturday and all I can think about is: is it just me, or does this cloak make me look like Harry?

I'm Harry right?

I'll have a blog just about that topic
But for now...
I'll stop writing every thought I think.