Can't touch this, legally

Now before today, I thought I was hot. I thought I was all that and a bag of chips. I thought I was peanut butter, jelly, and a baseball bat, simultaneously. I thought WRONG. Lol jk, am I ever wrong? I just got even more amazing. I sometimes feel like people actually think I’m this narcissistic, I really am not. I do what a lot of comedians do, and create this narcissistic character to get casual laughs from you guys. If I was as narcissistic as I act, I’d be imperfect. Wrap your brain around that one. Anyway, today, I got a haircut, and a new phone. So I walk in and say: “Make it as short as you want, but make it look good”. And boom: Fohawk. Thank God for gay hair dressers. Oh shoot! If you thank god for creating a gay person, won’t that piss him off? I’m literally shivering now after reading the beginning of the bible…God’s mean. I can’t wait till he gets through the terrible teens, then I can start joking about him again. Okay so I have no idea who I should thank, because has anyone ever met a straight hairdresser? I haven’t. Maybe me thanking God for a gay hairdresser is like thanking god for a blue sky, or a Hispanic Nicole, or an adamazing personality. Philosophical ideas aside, I sent a picture of my amazing face to Nicole and even she said I look Hot. I mean, Nicole. She’s literally the first person to say: “Shut up Adam, you’re not that great.” So let’s go under the assumption that I wasn’t hot before. Now I’m funny, smart, witty, talented, athletic, sociable, and now: hot. I have no idea how anyone is going to be able to keep their hands off me. I can’t even do that.